Whinings

The day I felt I was ‘imprisoned’ and the sentence was to wear spectacles for life.

I don’t think any words could even describe how I feel at that instance. Even ‘utterly disappointed’ would be an understatement towards how I felt.

I had been pinning high hopes of performing a vision correction surgery– LASIK for years, since I was in polytechnic. I thought my wait was finally over. Because the transition period between university and after I graduate was a good time, to allow me to go for the surgery, as well as to have a good rest after that.

Been busy for the past two months since examinations ended and finally finally, dearest mommy brought me to the clinic for a check up.

My optician starting with a general eye check using a machine, the one where we could see a parachute (I have no idea if it’s the same anywhere else for instance in Singapore, because that’s what I’ve been seeing for the past years).  He commented that my astigmatism increased again. My heart skipped a beat.

Previous attempts when I consulted him for ordinary eye checks, he was also pretty concerned about my astigmatism as they had been increasing almost every time I check my eyes. He told me about a condition – keratoconus, where the cornea is cone-shaped and causes extreme visual distortion. And because of that, patients with this condition can never perform a LASIK operation.

Just FYI, Keratoconus is a progressive eye disease in which the normally round cornea thins and begins to bulge into a cone-like shape. This cone shape deflects light as it enters the eye on its way to the light-sensitive retina, causing distorted vision.

Fine, after which, it was a manual eye check where he tests my eye sight with lenses of different degrees and we try to read some alphabets/numbers across the wall on the opposite side. I believe those who’ve been through eye checks know what I’m talking about. He concluded that I had a whooping leap of +75 degrees of astigmatism on my left eye. (75degrees is a lot, this is scary)

Next up, he brought me to another room, and I was told to rest my chin on this very sophisticated and pretty looking machine, where it had black/white strips on it. He typed in all my information, and subjected me to the test. It was the machine that determined my sentence. It measured the thickness of my cornea.

According to my optician, during LASIK operation, they have to scrape off some tissues on our cornea and if it doesn’t hit the minimum thickness (which is different for different degrees), LASIK operations are really really not advisable because they can never guarantee the success rate and complications after such risky cases.

And to my horror, my corneas were revealed to be really thin. A very lenient minimum requirement of ~0.48um and I only had ~4.77um.  my.heart.dropped.

I showed a strong front and smiled to him while he explained why I am not the best candidate for a LASIK operation. After which, he walked out of the room and explain everything to mommy again, for a second time. I was holding my tears.

He didn’t charge me for the check up as ‘I was already very disappointed’. Immediately outside the clinic while waiting for the lift, I broke into tears. WHY? Why me? WHY do I have to have such a thin cornea?

I think no one can understand how dejected, depressed, devastated and disappointed I was. (I felt that it was worst than a breakup, shit, do I sound too heartless?)

I went to the mall to choose a new pair of spectacles immediately. (How embarrassing, we had to meet a friend’s mom at the mall, when I had red and swollen eyes.) I think I made mommy a tad worried.

Talked to brother for a bit that night. He said I wouldn’t understand and I said the same, he wouldn’t understand why I am this upset. And told me its fine to wear spectacles. Thank you kor, I felt a little better.

Thank you friends, who commented after I penned down those depressing update of status on facebook/twitter. Thanks for the consoling me.

Think I need just a little time to get over the sadness. I might rant about this issue for awhile more, but I’m sure I’ll get over it.

You guys are sure wondering what a vain pot I am. Not to deny, everyone wants to look at their best, right? And like what the Chinese proverb says , there’s no ugly women in the world, there are only lazy women.

Oh, and if you’re going to suggest contact lenses to me, I have eye allergies caused by don’t-know-what. But definitely not contact lenses. So, long term on contact lenses is not a solution for me. (Yes, how pathetic I am right.) And I thought LASIK would solve my problem… now, my bubble of hope is burst, the fact that I have to be in spectacles for life. So currently I’m on dailies toric lenses which costs me a BOMB, and yeah, even if they cost a bomb, I can’t wear them everyday.

The thing about spectacles are that, they keep ‘dropping’ and sometimes half the eye’s out of the frame of the specs, especially when we sweat, and when we engage in sports. Then, comes the problem of an ugly reflection when taking photos. I LOVE TAKING PHOTOS, so ANYTHING THAT MAKES ME UGLY, I HATE. (I know they have what they call multi-coating lenses that do not reflect light but they don’t seem to work on me at all. Every single spectacles I have give me this problem.) Next, issues with make up, after dolling myself up with even very basic eyeliner and mascara, the mascara will taint my spectacles and blur my vision. More importantly I feel that all my make up goes to waste because they are covered up by spectacles, so whats the point of dolling myself up? I’ll never end all the woes about wearing spectacles lah..

an example of reflection on my spectacles.

this is already a very mild reflection. I wouldn’t bear to show you a bad one, and spoil my image. hehehe. :)

Also, the popularity of contact lenses have risen so much over the years that most of the people I know who used to wear spectacles are on contact lenses. If people don’t look better on contact lenses, who would pay for the hassle?

Sorry if you’re tired of my rantings.

I’m tired of the problems I have too. :(

Besides my eyes, my face are giving me problems also! WHY?? I tend to get red little spots like rashes on my face around my cheek bone area towards the end of the day, when the weather gets really hot. Why am I suffering from so many allergy reactions? And what on earth am I allergic to?

How depressed I am. Can you feel me?

i never wanted to be in spectacles.